Help Me Out

I don't know if this is funny or completely absurd.




I started noticing 'truck balls' about two years ago.  The first time I saw something like this I ended up following the guy for three or four miles in the wrong direction just to be sure that it was what I thought it was.  Once I stopped behind him at a traffic light I realized that it was exactly what I thought it was.  I turned around and headed back in the right direction laughing for quite a while.  Now I am beginning to see them pretty regularly.

I grew up in a small town out in the country with lots of farmers.  When my farmer buddies would buy a new truck they would immediately remove the back gate.  I know this was funtional for loading hay but I also know there was a certain amount of pride associated with farming and this was a way to say, 'Yea, I gotta new truck but it ain't for goin' into town.  Its a workin' truck.'

What statement are these 'truck balls' making?  Is the drivier telling you that his truck is so fucking cool that it has testicales?  Or is he saying that HE has gigantic, overgrown testicles?  Is this cool?  I really don't know.  I think the answer lies with the woman in the passenger seat - if there is one.

Seriously dude?



What is the chance that the driver actually gets to use his testicles for their actual purpose?  If there is no woman in the passenger seat, I think the chances are less than 5%.  If there is women in the passenger seat, I think the chances are 100%.

What do you think?

I also see that they make a set in blue for upper middle class, suburban dudes who are married.

Office Chicks

Given that its football season and I've been spending a good bit of time at the office, I've decided to play a little game.  Trying to use well-known quarterbacks to describe some office personalities.  If you work in an office with more than 30 people, you can relate to most of these women who will pass through your work life...

Alex Smith - Nondescript chick - works in another department, don't know her name, couldn't pick her out of a line-up

Drew Brees - Borderline chick who wins you over with personality

Eli Manning - Mysterious chick - doesn't ever say much, doesn't smile very often but someone you would be perfectly happy to end up with

Tony Romo -Teaser chick - really nice looking chick with great personality, offers lots of promise yet always ends up fucking you

Peyton Manning - Perfect chick - smart, creative, important, well-respected by all, completely hot and overall off-the-charts\

Joe Flacco - New chick - looks really good most of the time, flashes of brilliance

Ben Roethlisberger - Moderately hot chick - will absolutely have sex with you but you end up at the doctor's office with an infection

Tom Brady - Perennial great chick - consistently hot, great performer, always looks good

Raiders Quarterback (whoever it is) - Disaster chick - complete zero on all levels, nothing positive, never want to be with her, even in an all-company meeting

Mistaken Identity

Today I was doing some research on a Confederate Army General named, Braxton Bragg.  My google search turned up the following image...



Seriously, look it up.  This famously incompetent Civil War General is the namesake of a southern rock band who had the smarts to use this photo as an album cover.

A smokinhot chick wearing a cowboy hat and not much else.  Inviting you to share a bottle of Jim Beam without a glass.  Very nice!

Jealousy...is everywhere

Even a shitty economy, that has hit nearly every American can not provide enough people with perspective. I am convinced that the only thing that will reach people is real, personal tragedy.

Everyone wants what they don't have. Everyone. Absolutely everyone. Doubt me? Exhibit A: Tiger Woods.

I live in a place with lots of upper-middle class white people. Manicured lawns, SUV's, tennis clubs, three-car garages and outdoor living spaces. It looks to me like most everyone is in a pretty good place. But the other day I was sitting at the neighborhood pool and three Moms were talking about another (absent) Mom who 'had everything.' They were talkng about clothes, hair, SUV, good husband, breast implants, etc. These three Mom's had virtually the same arrangement as the Mom who had everything! I was listening in complete confusion.

THEN, literally the next day the absent Mom was there and one of the ones from the previous day was not there. The previously absent Mom was complaining that the newly absent Mom had all this shit. It blew my mind. I was like, what the fuck is going on? Why can't you each enjoy what you have and be happy for those who have more?

Guys are the same way but with different shit. We mostly want more cash on hand and additional opportunities with women. But is also includes cars, jobs, televisions, boats, golf clubs.

Fact is, we all have it pretty good. Sadly, it will take some personal tragedy for each of us to realize that while we may not have everything we want, we still have a good life. Here are some personal tragedies that will give you perspective; DUI, being caught with a hooker (tragedy?), serious illness to child or spouse, job loss.

Sex Stories

Dudes love hearing stories about their friends' sexual adventures - until the stories involve a wife.

We can listen to endless stories of our single buddies diddling all kinds of women. It doesn't really matter if the stories are even true. Its just funny to hear all of the shit that other guys do.

For example, I had a friend who would try to convince girls to put their undies in their mouths while he was doing them. He would tell them that it turns him on and beg them to comply. Oddly enough, many of the women would do it. That's just funny.

But this is where it gets weird. I don't know a single guy who wants to hear a story from his buddies that involves sex with their spouse. It just isn't that entertaining. For some reason the stories are only interesting if they involve a random chick or a girlfriend.

Who Would You Do?

Watching SportsCenter tonight with Linda Cohn and it got me thinking...would I want to have sex with Linda Cohn? I recognize that most of you freaks have no sex life and would like to have sex with virtually anyone but seriously what about Linda Cohn? Here are a few more...

Diane Sawyer
Cokie Roberts
Tori Amos, singer
Katie Couric
Robyn (from Howard Stern show)
Lady Gaga
Andrea Kramer, ESPN
Mary Hart, Entertainment Tonite

Interesting, and you could add dozens more.

Really Stupid Looks

I saw a complete and utter bozo today but I don't have a camera phone so could not capture his assinine haircut. But it got me thinking about idiotic things people do to make a statement. Here are a few...

Sex Addict or Simply Impulsive?

The other day I got to thinking about the Tiger Woods saga. Is he really a sex addict? What makes him that? Isn't he just a very successful and wealthy man struggling through married life?

He probably has thousands of opportunities each year with overwhelmingly attractive women. On top of that, the public has enabled his sense of entitlement with our never-ending appetite for more of him.

I don't know Tiger but I know hundreds of men trying to get through the stressful years of providing for their family. Combine that with literally endless cash, travel to fabulous resorts, the frat-house environment of golf and the lack of being told, "no" for anything. It suggests something less sinister than sex addiction.

I am not saying that what he has done is right or should be condoned on any level. I am simply saying that he is probably only guilty of being impulsive.

Office Chatter

I can increase US productivity and ultimately Gross Domestic Product with one simple workplace rule. People can only use 35 non work-related words per day. The rule is meant for everyone but it would most affect women.

They couldn't spend 25 minutes every morning and afternoon talking about their miserable husbands or their precious little minis running off to day care or school. Nothing about breakfast or where they are going/went to lunch, what they had, how it tasted, their afternoon coffee, their complaints about working conditions, the office jackasses personal life, some shittyass recipes, stupid rumors about someone's wife, their god-awful disney vacation from 4 years ago, how they will make 2010 better than 2009, an upcoming weekend, a pointless college story, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

Just stop it. Thirty five non-essential words every day.

Everyone's Broke

About two years ago my friend told me about one of his friends who had this theory that everyone was broke or close to broke. We all laughed about this and talked about examples of people who we thought were making good money but that we were not totally sure.

You probably know the doctor making $400k with four kids in private school, four expensive cars, a vacation home and maybe some collection of expensive, exotic shit. Two years ago those guys were sliding through life care-free but now they are limping through life with a large load in their pants.

For the rest of the upper-middle class, striving to achieve whatever it is that makes people think we are successful, the last two years have been a slow deliberate slide into 'broke-ness.'

I had a suspicion back in February 2008 that this guy was right and everyone was broke. All of those suspicions have gone away since then and I sit today firmly believing that everyone is, in fact, broke.

Price of Gasoline, January 2010

The American consumer (which, I am one) is a buffoon. I filled up my tank today and it cost $51 - I drive a four door sedan. I nearly shit my pants.

Most people don't even look at gasoline prices. Its like toilet paper, milk, tampons, condoms - consumers will pay whatever the asking price because we simply can not live without these things. I think the economic jerk-offs call it 'inelastic demand.' That is, demand is unaffected by price.

The thing is, nothing in our lives has such wide price swings as gasoline and no one can look you in the eye with a clear explanation that makes sense. Today gas is $2.89, two days ago it was $2.74. Its the same freakin gas!

About 18 months ago the price of a gallon of gas spiked and some parts of the country had a gasoline shortage. The oil companies used this time of fear and panic to raise prices and systematically retain those elevated levels ever since. They are making an absolute killing.

We are sheep, ignorantly living our lives in our miserable pastures, following our fellow consumers to the slaughterhouse or worse, waiting for a wolf to bite into our throat and drain our blood.

Joggers at Night

Just noticed a new phenomenon. In the past seven days I have seen three people jogging at dusk with miner's lights. That's right, flashlights strapped to their melon! My first thought was, wtf is that light moving randomly six feet off the ground? Then I got closer and saw it attached to this bozo's head.

Now, I'm all for safety and I encourage reflective tape or running gear with reflective fabric if you plan to run at night. Isn't that enough?

It doesn't make sense to me. If you are so safety conscious that you have to jog with a fucking miner's light, what are you doing jogging at night? And if nighttime is the only time you can jog and your paranoid, why jog on the goddamn road?

The Mall

Unfortunately, I ended up at the shopping mall during this Christmas season. Its not that I don't like giving gifts, I just hate subjecting myself to the freaks during peak times. Anyway...

My biggest observation: Kids wear their hats in the stupidest position I have ever seen. They have flat bills, cocked to the side and its beyond ridiculous. On top of that, the hat logos mean nothing. Nine out of ten of them have some logo I have never seen before or even worse, some bastardized NY Yankee logo.

Other observations:

-kids buy nothing anymore - no one under 20 had a shopping bag

-Starbucks is still genius - insane line for $5 lattes

-who buys expensive jewelry at the mall jewelers (i.e. Zales)

-stores are getting through the economic times by keeping almost zero inventory

-people in holiday stupors are amazingly rude