I am venturing into new territory here by experimenting with images. I found this one and it really caught my eye. It is a phenomenal photo. While she is probably 'hot to very hot,' the image makes her over-the-top ridiculous hot. Maybe she did some 'photoshopping'of the image but maybe not. Either way, this is a really sexy picture.

Interesting Website

I don't spend all that much time trolling the internet but I did find, www.chickipedia.com. A sister site, holytaco.com is linked to chickipedia and worth a visit as well.

I highly recommend both. Don't get disappointed at your own miserable life, instead recognize that while there are many many really hot women in the world and they too are likely crazy.

Bluetooth as Jewelry

This has become an epidemic. I now see people wearing these things everywhere; restaurants, malls, movie theaters, sporting events, etc. etc.

Today I sat in a 2 1/2 hour business meeting during which a guy wore his earpiece the whole time.

First of all, you look like a total tool!

Second, when you take a call on your bluetooth, everyone will hear your idiotic conversation. This is worse for us than you. You may think the conversation is so important that you need to take it in public but it sounds trivial, self-important and downright stupid to us. If your call is important, it should probably be private.

Third, those things look kinda cool in a gadgety way but by no means do they substitute for jewelry. You do not look, cool, rich, important or celebrity-ish. It is not, 'bling.' Stop it!

Fourth, I have to believe that somewhere down the line you will suffer some health issue for having that technology so close to your brain for so long.

Fifth, you look like a total tool!

They are a great invention designed for cellphone usage in the car. Use them while driving, keep them in the car. Simple.

Jewelry?

The starting pitcher for the NY Yankees in Game 5 of the 2009 World Series is wearing a 'necklace' that is a cross between a dog leash and a dog toy. Seriously, this is a rope necklace that looks like its made out of 1,000 strands of black & white kite string braided together. This is absolutely one of those things we'll see on tape in 2012 and say, WTF is that guy wearing around his neck?

This guy is scheduled to make $16.5m in 2009. I'm estimating the necklace cost $7.50.

Wait, I just did the research. These things are called, Phiten necklaces. They are laced with titanium, regulate the body's blood flow and "help alleviate discomfort, speed recovery and counteract fatigue. Athletes find that they tire less easily and recover faster from intense physical activity." according to the Phiten website. They cost $73.00.

Ridiculous. It got me thinking about all-time idiotic jewelry worn by men. Here they are, in no particular order with a quick comment

-gold chain necklaces - ALL

-gold link bracelets (really all gold bracelets)

-copper bracelet for golfers

-rope bracelet - shrinking type you wore as a kid in the summertime

-earrings - any and all types for all men over 25

-any class ring beyond 5 years after graduation

-actually, rings that are not wedding bands

-outsized watches

-pooka shells - seriously?

Cell Phone on Your Belt?

Seriously, if your cell phone is clipped on your belt, you either have too big of a phone, too much shit in your pockets or you are a closet Trekkie who feels a bit more important/invinceable by having the phone (phaser!?) on your belt.

You look like a major tool. See my old post about, "Are you a tool?" Like a fanny pack, having the phone on your belt makes you an automatic tool.

In 10 years we will look back at photos of this era and wonder what the fuck that thing is on the idiot's belt.

This isn't a vanity issue, its a sanity issue.

Dudes Dress the Same

Watching people is one of my favorite things to do. I recently saw three 40 year old guys walking together wearing virtually the exact same outfit. Jean shorts, running shoes and horrendous golf shirts.

It got me thinking about everyone's desire to fit in...

Frat boys:

Tough guys:

Celeb wannabees (down to the shoes):

Dudes trying to hold on (really hard):

This last pic was the inspiration for a recent post about cell phones on your belt. Take a good long look at thee guy in the middle. Belted jeans with a badboy tshirt tucked in. Jesus H!!

Suburban white chicks too:

Frat girls?

Even middle-aged hotties:

Fantasy Football

Ok, I may take some hits on this topic but I have to take a stand.

I understand that people of all ages participate in Fantasy Football. It is incredibly popular and has changed the way that millions of fans watch professional football.

I just attended a fairly nice dinner meeting with a group of intelligent professionals. Someone at my table actually said (to more than two people), "I drafted Felix Jones in the 8th round and since my regular back's team has a bye week and with the injury to Marion Barber, Felix will be carrying the load this week against a weak defense in Carolina."

While your girlfriend is texting another guy, or your kids are having dinner with their Mom (your wife) you are on espn.com or trying to figure out some jackass did against some other team that you don't even give a shit about.

On espn radio I heard about www.footbalinjuries.com. Are you fucking serious. If you use this website, get to fucking work. You are part of the reason why America is losing ground globally.

I get that you like Fantasy Football but you don't get that not everyone else likes it, follows it or even gives a shit.

I can't tell you to stop playing but the best advice I have is to keep your chatter to others living in your fantasyland.

Men are Crazy Too

I got to thinking, how does crazy manifest itself in men? The answer is, it depends on socio-economic factors. Here are the reactions to some unfortunate life-occurrences for both blue-collar and white-collar people.

Dog shits in house
blue - kick dog
white - send dog back to breeder

Aggressive driving
blue - street fight
white - middle finger

Loss of job
blue - two week bender around a stock car race
white - trip to vegas

Wife cheats
blue - shoot guy drilling wife
white - fuck co-worker


I personally think that blue-collar guys despise white-collar guys but white-collar guys really like and appreciate blue-collar guys. However, it doesn't really matter because they very rarely mix socially.

Blue Collar vs. White Collar - Crazy Women

I stated in a recent post that all women were crazy. I honestly believe this. However, I believe there are several levels of this craziness. Normal chicks are a 1 to 4 on the crazy scale but we all know a few who are at 10 on that scale.

To find out if your girlfriend/wife is blue collar or white collar crazy, ask yourself what she would do if she found you screwing another woman in your bed.

A. Pick up 5 gal can of gas, pour it around your vehicle (pick-up) and light it on fire.

B. Drive immediately to mall, spend $7,000 on clothes and shoes.

Obvious.

Dudes on Planes

Lots of material here, for sure.

I'll start with the jackass in first class who got a once-in-a-lifetime upgrade for no good reason. He makes eye contact with every person who boards the plane to ensure that EVERYONE realizes that he is in the first class cabin.

Reclining seat-guy - even on the short flights - the ones where you can recline for only 15-20 minutes he takes the opportunity to jam his seat back into your lap. Funny thing is that you don't really get more space when you recline.

4-foot-bag-in-overhead-guy - no matter what happens, this guy is going to shove his absurdly large carry-on into the overhead compartment. He usually gets on last and will fuck up any other shit in the compartment. This guy usually looks around at some point and feels like everyone else is at fault.

"freak-went" flyer loser guy - desperate that everyone knows how many segments he flies each week. Loves to tell meaningless stories that include him traveling to what he thinks are exotic locations. Thinks he knows all the flight lingo and tries to pal around with the crew who only wish they can throw him out the emergency hatch without a parachute.

fat-ass-take-too-much-room-guy - obvious and a too-easy target

armrest-owner-guy - feel like the shared armrest between you and him was made expressly for him. Will go to great lengths to keep ownership of this shared territory.

The winner of the most annoying Dude on the Plane is the freak who thinks his endless string of silly-ass trips to unimportant destinations makes him a sophisticated, world traveler. He is the frequent flyer tool who wants everyone to know how much he is on airplanes. You know it if this is you!

Going Out Shirts

What about dudes that get really dressed up to out drinking? I'm ok with guys who actually go to trendy nightclubs - you have to dress up or you look like a tool.

I mean the guys who are heading out to to local gin joint with some buddies. They go with big print shirts that have wide, spread collars. These shirts are either cheap and are made of synthetics or they are whacky expensive and are made of some high-end silk. But just because your gear is expensive, you don't take it where it doesn't belong. These guys look like tools! Everything has its place.

A friend of mine calls these, "goin' out shirts."

Another example are jeans with too much stitching. In fact, jeans have gone way over the edge. I remember when you had a little stitching on the back pockets. Well shit, that is kids stuff now. You'll see dudes with all kinds of crazy shit embroidered into their jeans.

Idiots, Lunatics and your Next Door Neighbor

What do they all have in common? Sadly, they are becoming synonyms and when viewed in a much larger perspective they correlate perfectly. Need proof? Spend ten minutes on a very popular social networking site and pay attention to the absolute bullshit that people post in the "what are you doing now" section. First question, who cares that you are waiting to watch Lost? Second, don't you feel "Lost"? Third, don't you feel like an idiot when you take the time to sit down at a computer, log in to the site and type what you are doing in a six inch box at the top of the page. Some great examples of what people are doing now: waiting for work to end, enjoying the weather, finishing dinner and about to start baths for the kids. Someone actually stopped in the middle of the chaos that is after dinner / before bed and decided to post what they were doing. That is a blatant advertisement that you are ignoring your kids for the two and a half hours you actually get
to see them in a day in order to tell all your "friends" what you are doing. A person whom I believed to be of reasonable intelligence just posted that they had fun "fellowshipping" with their friends. Seriously? This person is 38 and just used the word "fellowshipping" as a verb. We are witnessing the audacity of stupidity.

Rulers of the World

If women truly understood their power they would absolutely rule the world. They would rule developed countries, they would rule rogue nations and they would rule third world countries as well. They would even rule in anarchy.

Its simple. They have what most all men want and most men will do anything to get it. Think I've oversimplified it? Here's a few examples...

1. Barack Obama wants to pass some law to promote economic activity. He talks it over with every member of his team. He meets with experts, congressmen, business people - virtually every stakeholder. But every night he climbs into bed with his wife. If she disagrees with the law, she will let him know. She will explain her position, tell him he's wrong, nag the hell out of him and ultimately withhold pleasure until she gets the desired outcome. All of the economists at Northwestern simply can not exert the type of influence that she can.

2. Hugo Chavez wants to take more money from fellow Venezuelans for his personal use. This one's a little tougher because he is a dictator. However, if all of the women in his entourage refused sex with him he would ultimately change his mind. in this case they are only as strong as their weakest member but with solidarity they could break even him.

3. Zimbabwe. Women simply stop providing sex to the men who control government. Again, solidarity is required and no one can break ranks just to move into the one house in town that has running water - say the local warlord. After a while, the men would let the women do most anything as long as they were able to diddle them when they wanted.

It would take years to reverse today's gender imbalance but the fact remains that men will do almost anything to get laid. If you doubt this, think back to stuff you did in college to impress a girl or to get her alone. Add years of positive reinforcement and we would end up with absolutely no power.

Chance Encounters

Is life random or is it planned out? I don't have an answer but I do love it when I am randomly treated to a ridciulously hot chick in an unexpected place.

Today I was at the hospital to visit a friend whose wife had a baby. We have a nice visit, I admire the baby, some friendly chatter about nothing in particular and then I set out to leave. My buddy decides to take the trip to the Lobby with me.

The elevator stops on the way down and this chick struts in with an absolutely killer frame. Fabulous cans that, if they were not enhanced, were damn near perfect. Tight little t-shirt and yoga-type pants.

My buddy and I are obviously ,though knowing what each was thinking. We get to the Lobby and go outside the building to discuss what we just saw. More midless chatter about how hot she was and that she probably wanted at least one of us.

Just as we were dicussing the chances that we see something like that she comes out of the building and walks right by us. We get the full frontal and then a shot as she walks away. Terrific.

It made me wonder. Did that happen for a reason?

All Women are Crazy

A woman once asked me; "Melvin, you are the most amazing writer. You totally understand a woman. How are you able to see our perspective?"

I said, "Its easy sweetheart. I think like a man and then remove all reason and accountability."

I am not sure that all women lack reason and accountability but I am quite sure that most every woman on the planet is walking around in some state of craziness. This is not craziness that would necessarily have them committed. It is simple, every day crazy that floats around in their heads. The funny thing is that if they could harness their own craziness they would rule the world. (see impending blog entry under sexual control.)

Every one of us who is in a hetero relationship deals with degrees of crazy. In fact, when you finally chose your spouse you undoubtedly had a conversation with yourself about the crazy shit in your prospective mate's head. Ultimately you chose one who maybe only hits a 1 or 2 on the crazy meter instead of a 10.

I know of a very successfull attorney who travels with a stuffed animal that she has convinced herself is more than an inanimate object. It has a name and she protects it like a living, breathing child. That my friends, is a 10 on the crazy meter.

There is crazy redneck 10 too. This is the one who would set your pick-up on fire if she ever found out you cheated on her. More on blue-collar vs. white collar crazy later.

My point here is; before you engage in any conversation with any woman, remember that they are playing with a completely different deck of cards than you are. If you recognize this entering into the conversation, you will not be led into their den of craziness.