Hourly Snobs

How can someone who makes under $20/hour actually cop an attitude with customers who are spending the equivalent of their weekly salary in a single transaction?

You walk into a nice boutique shopping for someone special and need some help. The clerk quickly cases you to determine whether or not you deserve their time. Maybe I'm self-conscious but who the fuck are they?

I walk into Hermes looking for a scarf. The clerk helps me choose one and as I am paying I ask about a briefcase on display. Me, "That briefcase is very nice. How much is it?" Her, "34."

I immediately begin to think that she misunderstood my question and may have responded with a model number or color number. I ponder her response as she swipes my card and decide to ask her again. "How much is the tan briefcase over there in the display?" She looks as me with frustration and says, "34."

After spending $300 on a fucking scarf in this place I have run out of patience. I look had her with confusion and say, "34 what?" Her cold response was, "oh, 34 hundred."

I am 100% sure that this woman doesn't make $3400 in a single month! Yet she has the audacity to attempt to make me feel small-time.

I wish hourly retail workers would keep everyting in perspective.

Starbucks

This may not be new anymore but who is sick of the people in the Starbucks line ahead of you? It seems that the more adjectives you use to order your morning coffee determine how hip you are. For example, the little weasel with the messenger bag, "ah, grande, vanilla, skim, cappucino" or the recent college grad hottie, "venti, no whip, extra hot, half caf, skim, mocha latte."

This is starting to really bug me. What happened to, "medium black coffe?" I order this regularly and I'm treated like its my first time to ever have coffee cross my lips. Fellow customers look down at me and the barrista acknowledges that he is too good to make my basic request by turning down his nose and having the cashier pour my coffee.

Hot Wives

Is it wrong to think about screwing your buddy's wife? Once in a while you'll look at someone who is married to a good friend and think, "wonder what she's really like?"

I think its part of a guy's commitment to his friends to bring a nice looking woman into the circle. I'm not saying that guys should marry some hot bimbo just because she's smokin hot - she must have some personality. But seriously, don't bring a nag to the table. No matter how, "nice," "sweet," "funny," "a blast," she should be at least passable.

Then there are ones that are off the charts. Everyone knows someone who has a really hot wife. We want to go to the beach with them or out on the boat. Anything to get a more detailed look at her.

25 or 40

Jessica Alba
Natalie Portman
Keira Knightly
Paris Hilton
Jessica Simpson

or

Renee Russo
Catherin Zeta-Jones
Demi Moore
Salma Hayek
Carmen Electra

Give this one some thought. For my money, a 40 year old woman who takes good care of herself is way more appealing than a smokin' 25 year old.

Free T-shirts

There is something about t-shirt giveaways. Most every American will do just about anything to get a free t-shirt, such as...

-60 year old man (who probably never wears t-shirts) run down dozens of stadium steps
-30ish biker jump up and down like a little girl
-pre-teen boys in a street fight
-college girls remove their own shirt
-upper middle class Mom scream like a jungle cat

Somehow t-shirts have become rooted in American culture.

It used to be iron-ons and felt lettering. Now its aged and dyed fabrics with (supposedly) cute sayings.

Fanny Packs

Yesterday I saw a guy at the mall with a fanny pack. This guy was a typical suburban guy, nothing otherwise notable about him. However, yesterday he decided that he needed to wear a fanny pack. Now, most guys are minimalists. We try to offload anything bulky including loose change, checkbooks, relationships, etc.

This guy must have felt like he needed to carry some bulky items with him - those that would not fit into his pocket. Hmm, what could that be? Lets think of the potential items; lipbalm, bobblehead of Weird Al, passport, play-doh, extra shoe-laces, 18-pack of wrigley's? Could you imagine needing anything that wouldn't fit in your pockets and would require a fanny pack?

The only time a fanny pack is remotely appropriate is when travelling abroad and that is even questionable. They are just hideous. A bad idea with a bad name. If you have stuff that won't fit in your pockets and you need to have your hands free then grab a backpack.

Talking in Metaphors

"People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch."

I was speaking with someone today. He is in the process of hiring a sales person. He actually said that he was "looking for someone who could capture the essence of senior management."

I guess this is pretty much what everyone is looking for but what the fuck. It sounded so manufactured. How about, "we are looking for someone who can sell tons of shit while not screwing up our strategy."

We've all worked with corporate types who live meeting to meeting. They walk around with their silly little portfolio and take notes during the most boring meetings possible. Each participant at the meeting forcing themselves to say something just to be heard. "Hey, Bob, why don't we cross-market with the industrials team and own the positioning on plastics as good for the planet? We'll utilize our organic resources to deliver a world-class cock ring."

Wrappers

Not rappers, but wrappers. What if men had to slip a small piece of cotton up their unit for 7 days every month? Say we had to do what women do with a different device. Every month we filled the dainty bathroom wastebasket with the wrappers for these things.

Seriously, how long would a wife allow this to go on?

What if you had female children? Mommy, what are those hunter green wrappers doing in the wastebasket?

Carpool

I have a friend in a carpool arrangement with another family. He usually handles their family's responsibility while the other family's responsibility is handled by the wife.

As time goes on, the innocent chatter, "How did Zoe do at preschool today?" turns a little suggestive, "Sid (my husband) is on the road, I finally have some time to myself. Wanna come in for a minute?" This goes on for several weeks and progresses very slowly but assuredly. Such as, "these jeans look ok on me?"

Here is the dilemma. Carpool husband and carpool wife do not really run in the same social circles. However, they have overlapping social circles and most of their friends know each other. The suggestion (if not invitation) is there for more intimacy. What does carpool husband do?

Assman

I had a friend who used to say, "Melvin, I'm an ass man." This meant that he really liked to check out women's asses and determined their level of appeal by their ass.

Nothing wrong with that at all but it got me thinking, what other kinds of "man" can one be? Leg man, eyes man, hair man, thigh man, tit man, feet man, lips man, laugh man, smile man, height man, stripper man. There's probably more. All of them attributable to some physical feature that men can observe and judge.

Men will observe and judge the desirability of a particular woman without considering their actual ability to have that woman.

Chicks in Japanese Sports Cars

Next time you see on of those little Japanese sports cars on the road, check out the driver. Nine out of ten are driven by very hot, red-necky or white-trashy chicks. Seriously, take a look.

That led me to a more complete generalization of chicks and their cars...

stripper - Japanese sports car or Jeep Wrangler
country chick - pick-up, pre-1990
college chick w/o rich Dad - Jetta
college chick w/rich Dad - BMW convertible
early career chick (college educated) - BMW 3 Series
early career chick (no college) - Honda Accord
Mom - minivan (duh)
Mom w/lots of kids - Suburban
Mom w/breast implants - Escalade
hot Mom w/short husband - Hummer
hot Mom w/standard husband - SUV
divorcee w/o kids - Porsche
divorcee w/kids - expensive SUV
hot older lady with even older husband - Maserati

Happiness

How many guys do you know who are really, truly happy with their jobs. Use this measurement. Would they still do their job if they made 25% less? How about 50% less? I may know 3 guys like this.

Fact is, most of us do what we do because we can turn a pretty good buck. And, if we do it well for long enough we can get the hell out at a relatively young age and do something we really like.

The bad things about work; crazy fucking people in the office, commuting, endless meetings, painful powerpoints, lame boss, poor leadership, shitty pay, paperwork, listening to people's idiotic stories, answering to some schlep who is superior due only to survival.

Good things; pay, expense account.

Obviously we have to work to pay for all of the shit in our lives but don't tell me "love what you do." Tell me, "love how much you'll get paid doing it."

Cleavage

God, what a subject. The shit is great.

Cleavage is one of those things that you can just never get enough of. When you think about it, there are only a few things in life that no matter how much you have you could always use some more.

Like pizza and sex, even bad cleavage is still pretty good. The shit is everywhere too. Obviously chicks with big racks have nice cleavage. But even chicks with little bombs can produce some excellent action.

I have been impressed with the kind of cleavage you could fall into as well as the kind that could barely hide a pea. Doesn't matter. I'll even check out cleavage on huge women with outrageous cans (and so will you).

When does cleavage stop being cleavage? I think when nipples appear. At that point the curiousity is over and you just see the cans - which are great no matter what.

Fries

I like to eat really good french fries. In fact, I will travel for exceptional fries. The best I've had are on the Ocean City, MD boardwalk.

However, I recently discovered a burger place called Five Guys. They have maybe the best fries you can find. They are fresh cut and fried perfectly (crispy out and soft in). You also get a pile of them with your order. They are the real deal!

Last week I brought a friend there to introduce him. We had lunch and powered down a few orders of fries with our burgers. As we wound down our meal he looked at me and said, "these fries are just not that good." I was appalled. What the fuck is that?

Meatheads

Meatheads are guys who realized at some point in time that their most attractive trait was that they were physically strong or excelled at one particular sport. In high school these traits will probably put you in the more popular crowd.

However, as they get older they cling to those traits and fail to develop other skills that help them blend well with their more mature surroundings. In college they probably play a sport but not well enough to make a career of it and that frustration forces them to do idiotic things. The list of these is endless but probably begins with throwing a sofa or chair out a dorm window. It may even include things like breaking elevators or stealing large objects from public places. In college that is borderline acceptable.

In the adult world these guys really stick out. They will never totally excel in business as they probably didn't spend enough time studying in college and their competitive nature makes them confrontational. A difficult mix if you don't always know the answer. I'm sure you know a guy at the office who thinks he's bright and widely liked (because he was in his formative years) but really is neither.

This guy is not a bad guy and can often be fun at parties. However, he is a meathead or simply, a "meat."

Cunnilingus

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Urinal Etiquette

Don't look here, the joke is in your hands! Maybe the all time best men's room grafitti.

Got me thinking, where else do you look when in a rest room with multiple urinals? The only acceptable place is straight ahead. Not a little to the left or a little to the right and certainly not directly to either side. Look down and you probably observe splattering onto your clothes - something that is hard to prevent so I'd rather not see.

I was once at a fraternity house where the bathroom contained 7 or 8 toilets on the wall, right next to each other with no partitions. I remember standing at the toilet urinating while a woman was doing the exact same thing but sitting (as women do), right next to me. This put her at an unfortunate vantage point watching me empty my bladder.

Anyway, it is a strange dynamic standing against a wall of urinals as others come and go, pissing into their respective tubs and trying to ignore each other.

Then, what happens when you're in a public place like a bar or restaurant and an old friend comes into the restroom and you recognize each other? Do you shake hands?

Are you a tool?

Answer 'yes' to any of these questions to figure out if you are a tool.


-Do you tell your buddies that you got a promotion at work?

-Do you really think your under-8-year-old is going to be a professional athlete?

-Do you watch Monday Night Football wearing an authentic jersey?

-Do you go out at night expecting to get into a fight?

-Have you told anyone your interest rate on your mortgage?

What Men Talk About

Every week or two I go out with a couple buddies and drink some beer. We usually do this around some televised sporting event, not because we want to watch the game. Rather, the game is a backdrop, something to look at while you or one of your pals is talking. You can either listen to your friends or the television or ignore both and assess the cocktail waitresses.

The next morning, my wife used to ask what we talked about all night. She'd ask, "How is their new baby?", "Are they going to renovate their home?", "Where are they going on vacation?", etc. I could never answer any of these questions because I never asked them and "they" never mentioned anything about any of those topics. She is always staggered that three guys would spend four hours together and talk about nothing.

Its not that we talk about nothing. Its that we talk about nothing that interests her, or any other woman.

The list of things we discuss is short; steak, women's anatomy and sports.