Hot Wives

Is it wrong to think about screwing your buddy's wife? Once in a while you'll look at someone who is married to a good friend and think, "wonder what she's really like?"

I think its part of a guy's commitment to his friends to bring a nice looking woman into the circle. I'm not saying that guys should marry some hot bimbo just because she's smokin hot - she must have some personality. But seriously, don't bring a nag to the table. No matter how, "nice," "sweet," "funny," "a blast," she should be at least passable.

Then there are ones that are off the charts. Everyone knows someone who has a really hot wife. We want to go to the beach with them or out on the boat. Anything to get a more detailed look at her.

25 or 40

Jessica Alba
Natalie Portman
Keira Knightly
Paris Hilton
Jessica Simpson

or

Renee Russo
Catherin Zeta-Jones
Demi Moore
Salma Hayek
Carmen Electra

Give this one some thought. For my money, a 40 year old woman who takes good care of herself is way more appealing than a smokin' 25 year old.

Free T-shirts

There is something about t-shirt giveaways. Most every American will do just about anything to get a free t-shirt, such as...

-60 year old man (who probably never wears t-shirts) run down dozens of stadium steps
-30ish biker jump up and down like a little girl
-pre-teen boys in a street fight
-college girls remove their own shirt
-upper middle class Mom scream like a jungle cat

Somehow t-shirts have become rooted in American culture.

It used to be iron-ons and felt lettering. Now its aged and dyed fabrics with (supposedly) cute sayings.

Fanny Packs

Yesterday I saw a guy at the mall with a fanny pack. This guy was a typical suburban guy, nothing otherwise notable about him. However, yesterday he decided that he needed to wear a fanny pack. Now, most guys are minimalists. We try to offload anything bulky including loose change, checkbooks, relationships, etc.

This guy must have felt like he needed to carry some bulky items with him - those that would not fit into his pocket. Hmm, what could that be? Lets think of the potential items; lipbalm, bobblehead of Weird Al, passport, play-doh, extra shoe-laces, 18-pack of wrigley's? Could you imagine needing anything that wouldn't fit in your pockets and would require a fanny pack?

The only time a fanny pack is remotely appropriate is when travelling abroad and that is even questionable. They are just hideous. A bad idea with a bad name. If you have stuff that won't fit in your pockets and you need to have your hands free then grab a backpack.

Talking in Metaphors

"People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch."

I was speaking with someone today. He is in the process of hiring a sales person. He actually said that he was "looking for someone who could capture the essence of senior management."

I guess this is pretty much what everyone is looking for but what the fuck. It sounded so manufactured. How about, "we are looking for someone who can sell tons of shit while not screwing up our strategy."

We've all worked with corporate types who live meeting to meeting. They walk around with their silly little portfolio and take notes during the most boring meetings possible. Each participant at the meeting forcing themselves to say something just to be heard. "Hey, Bob, why don't we cross-market with the industrials team and own the positioning on plastics as good for the planet? We'll utilize our organic resources to deliver a world-class cock ring."

Wrappers

Not rappers, but wrappers. What if men had to slip a small piece of cotton up their unit for 7 days every month? Say we had to do what women do with a different device. Every month we filled the dainty bathroom wastebasket with the wrappers for these things.

Seriously, how long would a wife allow this to go on?

What if you had female children? Mommy, what are those hunter green wrappers doing in the wastebasket?

Carpool

I have a friend in a carpool arrangement with another family. He usually handles their family's responsibility while the other family's responsibility is handled by the wife.

As time goes on, the innocent chatter, "How did Zoe do at preschool today?" turns a little suggestive, "Sid (my husband) is on the road, I finally have some time to myself. Wanna come in for a minute?" This goes on for several weeks and progresses very slowly but assuredly. Such as, "these jeans look ok on me?"

Here is the dilemma. Carpool husband and carpool wife do not really run in the same social circles. However, they have overlapping social circles and most of their friends know each other. The suggestion (if not invitation) is there for more intimacy. What does carpool husband do?

Assman

I had a friend who used to say, "Melvin, I'm an ass man." This meant that he really liked to check out women's asses and determined their level of appeal by their ass.

Nothing wrong with that at all but it got me thinking, what other kinds of "man" can one be? Leg man, eyes man, hair man, thigh man, tit man, feet man, lips man, laugh man, smile man, height man, stripper man. There's probably more. All of them attributable to some physical feature that men can observe and judge.

Men will observe and judge the desirability of a particular woman without considering their actual ability to have that woman.

Chicks in Japanese Sports Cars

Next time you see on of those little Japanese sports cars on the road, check out the driver. Nine out of ten are driven by very hot, red-necky or white-trashy chicks. Seriously, take a look.

That led me to a more complete generalization of chicks and their cars...

stripper - Japanese sports car or Jeep Wrangler
country chick - pick-up, pre-1990
college chick w/o rich Dad - Jetta
college chick w/rich Dad - BMW convertible
early career chick (college educated) - BMW 3 Series
early career chick (no college) - Honda Accord
Mom - minivan (duh)
Mom w/lots of kids - Suburban
Mom w/breast implants - Escalade
hot Mom w/short husband - Hummer
hot Mom w/standard husband - SUV
divorcee w/o kids - Porsche
divorcee w/kids - expensive SUV
hot older lady with even older husband - Maserati